Another Attempt
by colordrifter
Summary: We'll give you a hint: it's about Ed and his...little...problem. Throw in Pinako, Winry, and Al, and you've got one screwed up morning! Co-written with IndigoMonsoon. Birthday present for Anna! Oneshot.


**SilverRainFalls: Well, here we are. Finally. After nearly four weeks of scrambling to the nearest computer whenever we had an extra minute or two.**

**IndigoMonsoon: Yes, and I must say this even though it is so corny: WE'RE FINALLY DONE! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNA!**

**SilverRainFalls: Yes yes, we wrote this for our friend Anna's birthday. She put in a request a looooong time ago and we never got around to it until now. **

**IndigoMonsoon: It's so convenient knowing what someone actually wants! I'm glad you asked me to do this with you since I didn't know what to get Anna. xD**

**SilverRainFalls: No problem! Do you want to do the honors of the saying the disclaimer?**

**IndigoMonsoon: Why not?...**

**...Disclaimer: We did not use original characters, and therefore do not claim to. Respective creations belong to their respective creators.**

**SilverRainFalls: ...In other words, neither IndigoMonsoon nor I own Fullmetal Alchemist. We claim honors to the plot, though!**

* * *

"ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT?" bellowed a voice, shattering the peaceful, calm morning, and startling Winry awake.

"Auuuggggghhhhh..." she groaned. Opening one bleary eye to check the clock, she groaned again. "It's only 7:30..." She turned over, buried her head under the covers, and tried hard to ignore the shouting downstairs, which only intensified.

"WHO SAID I'M SO SHORT I CAN LIMBO WITHOUT BENDING OVER?"

_THAT'S IT._ Winry threw off her covers and jumped out of bed, marching over to her table to grab the innocent-looking wrench that laid there. Growling in annoyance, the blond-haired automail mechanic stomped down the stairs. _Why does he have to start that so early in the morning?_

The shouting grew louder, although Winry could now tell that only one voice was doing the actual shouting. She traced it to the kitchen door, which she noticed was closed. _Even with the door closed, I can still hear him like he's shouting in my ear!_ Barely holding her wrath in check, she flung the door open, roaring, "What is WRONG with you?"

The three people in the kitchen froze where they were. Ed was fully dressed, standing on one side of the kitchen with both hands up in a self-defense position and a scowl on his face. Pinako was sitting at the table, smoking and smirking. Al was in the chair next to her, fumbling with a napkin. All three of them turned to her.

"Good morning, Winry," said Pinako pleasantly, taking another long drag on her pipe.

"Oh," said Ed nervously, straightening up and smoothing out his jacket. "Hey, Winry, I thought that you liked sleeping i

" His words were cut off by a loud THUNK sound as the wrench came in contact with the side of his head. "Owwww!" he yelped, clapping his hand over the newly-formed and smarting lump. "What was THAT for?"

"I _do_ like sleeping in, you idiot! Just that some idiot _woke_ me up at _seven-thirty_ in the morning with all that noise!" snapped Winry, glaring daggers at him.

Ed winced beneath her ferocious glare and looked slightly guilty. "But Winry, it wasn't even my fault! The old hag was insulting me!" He pointed an accusing finger at Pinako.

Pinako looked at Winry, her mouth twisted in a sly smile. "Old hag? Oh, he must be short in eyesight as well as height. You mean me, the well-preserved 70 year-old? Well, what did I say? All I did was comment on how Ed was a pint-sized know-it-all."

Ed whirled around to face her. "I am NOT pint-sized! I grew-"

"-about a millimeter," finished Pinako.

"I grew much more than a millimeter, you old bat!"

"You're still shorter than Al."

"Al has a fricken' _suit of armor_ that's _six feet_ tall for a body!"

"So?" asked Pinako, looking superbly calm. "Why can't you grow until you're six feet tall?"

"I want- I can't- B-because I want to be able to fit through doorways!" sputtered Ed.

Al put the napkin down, looking at Ed. "I can fit through doorways, big brother," he said with an injured tone.

Ed turned on him. "Who's side are you on, anyway?"

"WILL YOU ALL JUST _SHUT UP?"_ Winry fingered her wrench and eyed Ed dangerously. "Look," she said. "I don't care what you're arguing about; I just want to go back to sleep!"

"Go right ahead, Winry dear," said Pinako sweetly. "I'm sure Ed will shut up now…" She shot a mischievous look at him. "…and stop ranting about how he'll stay a midget the rest of his life."

"For the last time, I am NOT short, okay?" said Ed, looking extremely harassed.

"Then why did you do that this morning?" asked Pinako innocently.

"SHHHHH!" said Ed, giving Winry a nervous look.

"Do what?" Winry caught the look and was immediately interested. What did Ed do that he was so embarrassed about?

"N-nothing, Winry," said Ed, his face turning red. "It wasn't anything worth talking about, just an experime╼"

"Ed tried to make himself taller," cut in Pinako matter-of-factly. Al facepalmed and heaved a sigh. Ed looked simply murderous.

"Don't tell me he tried to make his hair stick up again," said Winry, remembering how well _that_ didn't work out.

"No, he went and did something even more stupid," smirked Pinako.

"You weren't supposed to see that," Ed shot out. "I got up three hours earlier than usual today so I could try it out in private."

"Well, you shouldn't have stuck around the kitchen stroking your ego," Pinako looked highly amused. "You know that I always get my morning coffee at seven."

"Wait," said Winry, bewildered. "What did he do?"

"Big brother…er…he thought his elevator shoes weren't giving him the desired height…" Al faltered after seeing the glare that Ed was giving him.

"Did he get stilts?" asked Winry, trying to picture the famous Fullmetal Alchemist in stilts.

"He transmuted his shoes-" said Pinako, ignoring Ed when he tried to protest. "-and made the soles another good seven inches thicker."

"_Five_," howled Ed. "Only _five_, you drunk old witch! Are you sure you don't have crack mixed in with your tobacco?"

Winry was suddenly assaulted by a rather vivid image of Ed in shockingly purple superhigh-heel boots. She stared at the two of them. "No way," she said, giving an incredulous laugh. "No, not even _Ed_ would be _that_ desperate…" Judging by Pinako's smug smile and Ed's furious face, she was wrong.

"Why did you tell her?" asked Ed furiously, his cheeks now the color of a ripe plum. "I told you! It was an experiment; I wasn't going to actually keep it like that-"

"When I walked in," continued Pinako loudly, "he was staring at the mirror on the door, with a stupid smile on his face. I'd say you looked as if you were delighted with the results," she grinned at a spluttering Ed.

"Come on, Granny," said Al, trying to give his brother some breathing room. "He's just sensitive about his height, you don't have to remind him that he's short-"

"I'm NOOOTTTT!" wailed Ed. "I'm just not as tall as that bastard Colonel-or you, Al-"

"-don't forget Winry," Pinako reminded him.

Ed's face flushed even redder. "I'm taller than you, you shriveled-up old prune!" he said, choosing to ignore her earlier comment.

"Oh dear, to think that you'd stump so low as to insult an elderly woman…" Seeing Ed's face soften just a bit, Pinako seized her chance. "If you're really that desperate, just go and drink your milk. Or you can get Winry to make you a longer automail leg…but wait, that won't work…you'll end up hopping around like a stork…. Ah! I know, make yourself a flying machine or something. You'll save us all the neck cricks and back aches, too."

"If I'm stunted, then you're a female garden gnome," snapped Ed, over his moment of weakness.

"Dwarf-in-disguise."

"Crazy automail witch!"

"Runt of an alchemist."

"Gray-haired old crone!"

"Puny wannabe sasquatch."

"Upside-down magnifying glass on a pear!"

"Oh, finally something more originally than 'Old hag'."

"Are you saying I'm short on brains too?"

"Hmm, putting words in my mouth now, are we?"

"Well, _excuse me_, you senile old biddy!"

"You are quite excused." Pinako took drag on her pipe, looking not the least bit ruffled.

"HUUUUUHHHH!" sighed the exasperated alchemist. "Go into rehab, you delirious old junky!"

"Hmm, you know, maybe you should cut your hair; it might be taking length from other parts of your body," observed Pinako.

"Leave my hair alone, you brain-rotted bowling ball!"

"My hearing really isn't what it used to be. I _thought _I heard you say that bowling balls have brains."

"I...uh...I said...uh...you grain-dotted bowling ball!"

"Grain-dotted? Oh, you mean my age spots. Ed, you really do have diminutive sight that matches your lacking in height."

"My vision is perfect 20/20, thank you very much, squinty four-eyes!"

"It's called aging eyes. In about 15 years you'll know, that is, if you aren't short of noggin, too." Pinako was completely unperturbed.

"I AM NOT STUPID, OR NEAR-SIGHTED, OR SHORT ON ANYTHING ELSE, YOU ANCIENT NEANDERTHALISTIC SPAWN OF MEDU-!"

A THUNK cut into the insult followed by shocked yells and a spurt of blood. A wrench-less Winry stood over the bloody pulp on the floor that was Ed. "How can you talk to Granny like that?"

Pinako only smirked again. Throughout the whole time she was just calmly smoking her pipe, not baited into fury even once. Al tried hard not to laugh, and managed to pass a snort off as a hacking cough. Evidently, he hadn't forgiven his brother for his earlier comment, but at least he was trying.

Ed glared at him. "You're all ganging up on me!" cried the indignant golden-haired alchemist, and he stomped out of the kitchen and slammed the door shut, clearly wanting some self-pitying time.

"Score five thousand one hundred thirty-four for me," snickered Pinako, looking satisfied.

"What has it been, five thousand one hundred thirty-nine matches already?" asked Winry, stifling a giggle. Al lapsed into a new fit of laughter.

"Actually, it's five thousand one hundred thirty-seven, but who's counting?" replied Pinako calmly.

Al finally pulled himself together. He looked over at the clock. "Winry, it's only seven forty-five. You can still sleep for another hour or two."

Winry shook her head and burst out laughing. "I don't think I can fall asleep again. I'll just laugh until I fall out of bed. It was worth getting woken up early just for this." _And THIS is another reason why I want him home more_, she thought, imagining of all the new curses that Ed could probably think up by the time he came back in. Whatever faults Ed may have, he could never fail to make her laugh.

* * *

**SilverRainFalls: Well, Anna...you wanted a shouting match, so we delivered.**

**IndigoMonsoon: Hope you see this before or during Finals, so you can relax and have a laugh during the week, well, three-days, of hell!**

**SilverRainFalls: Dammit, finals...! Well, joint-writing was really fun! As they say, two heads are better than one, and with the two of us, there were more ideas going around.**

**IndigoMonsoon: Yea, if I were doing it alone, I'm not sure if I'd have finished! I'm brain dead to those who know me, if anyone asks! (To self in an evil, but zombie-like voice: I need more braiiiiiiiiiiiinssss. Braaaaaiiiiinnnsssss...)**

**SilverRainFalls: -ahem- IndigoMonsoon's a little hyper here...but in any case, please don't forget to review! **

**IndigoMonsoon: (Slowly returning to normal.) We want reviiiiieeeeeeeeewwssssss... Reviewsssss... Speaking of reviews...please leave a review.**

**SilverRainFalls: ... I've already asked.**

**IndigoMonsoon: Oh, alright, then I've nothing more to say.**

**SilverRainFalls: As Bugs Bunny had said... "That's all folks!"**


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